Life always takes the time to remind us we don’t have forever.  That is why it is so important to love who we are inside because tomorrow won’t remember us if we don’t take the time to smile today.

            It was a still moment on a simple day.  I was a bit grumpy on that particular morning, barely saying a good morning to co-workers as I sat down at my desk to begin another eight hours of the same routine.  As I looked up at my computer monitor, the first thing I saw was an email from my friend Michael.  I clicked it open and what I remember most as I read were the cloudy skies outside the window as I turned to my left.  I remember that moment of hesitation as my mind took the time to catch up to my heart as I read the words:

“I have something to tell you”.

My heart started beating fast as my eyes scurried to find out the news.  He mentioned that an acquaintance had passed away.  I was a little relieved but it was shocking news because it was someone who I saw frequently in the gay scene and someone I didn’t even know was sick.  This person was one of those individuals I took for granted but at the same time someone I found amusing.  It have me sadness because I didn’t take the time to get to know him.  I guess I figured I had time.  I thought I had forever to get to know the true meaning behind his eyes and the true definition of his heart that usually stayed hidden behind a wide smile and multiple wise cracks. There were so many of those little things – from a nickname he called himself to the constant joking around he always did – that I grew to appreciate and miss.  After finding my mind stranded inside a few minutes that seemed like hours, I deleted the email and realized what’s here today can be gone tomorrow.

It is evident in all walks of life.  We spend so much time being angry at someone or so much time hating someone for who they are that we lose touch of the importance of every single person who enters our life.  We know this and we remind ourselves all the time but how often do we really take the time to breathe and just enjoy what is around us.  We often mark off our calendars or rush through our weeks to get to the weekend.  Before we know it something has happened to someone else that makes us stop and say “damn!”

As I talked to and got to know a few older men who lived during the 80’s who have lost friends and acquaintance because of AIDS, I realized there wasn’t the same amount of prevention or education back then as we have today.  I’ve been lucky so far not to have experienced as much loss as they have.  But the email I found in my email that morning made me think and made me realize that consequences are real.  There is no tomorrow if we don’t embrace our now.

Every day that we turn the ignition to our cars or take a walk there is a risk.  We don’t have much control over most things that happen around us.  This guy that I knew was probably looking forward to a next birthday or a holiday or simply the next day and never got to see it.  It really made me look at myself and how I treated others online and in real life.  Online we can get carried away because we don’t really know the people we interact with and the same goes for people we rarely know in our daily lives.  We don’t really know what a person is going through or has been through in their lives and we take for granted how our words can affect someone.

There is no guarantee of a tomorrow; there is no guarantee of a change to apologize or understand a person’s differences.  Because of that experience and experiencing daily the fight for the equality of respect, I strive to be that voice remembering those who didn’t get the chance to fulfill their lives.  Whether they were taken from this world due to illness or took their own lives do to bullying or the pressure from constant judgment, some of those people never got the chance to experience the feeling of acceptance.

There are times life teaches us to open our eyes and celebrate the vision of living.

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I’ve

And as we passed Truro that New Years Eve I looked out a fogged up passenger side window into a dark cloud and thought to myself finally. Finally a place where I could hold the hand of my lover in the openness of acceptance; finally I could walk in the same harmony of understanding hearts; finally a place stuffy closets don’t suffocate laughter and finally a place to be free, a place to exhale self-pride. There was an excitement and a moment in my life approaching that I didn’t think would happen. I was with a new found love and his close friends going to a place on a night that could only be magical. And that indeed it was. I remember just staring at the dunes as we got closer and then the tiny little streets and all the small shops laced with lights glittering a shiny smile. Snow dusted parts of the ground and I could feel a spirit in the air that warmly kissed the awakening cold of the waves. I was in a small paradise for the eternity of the night.

The sky winked down at us as we unfilled the dark gray Honda accord. I remembered the stars sparkling with such clarity as we made our way to the motel located a little ways from town. The moments just seemed to stand still as if I was paused on the perfect scene of someone’s favorite movie. And I was a smile ear to ear as we checked in, got dress and prepared for the last few hours of the decade. There was such a glow to all of us as we toasted the night with wine in plastic cups and awaited the gypsy cap for a quick ride into the center of town. I remember thinking how far I have come inside my own skin; how much growth I’ve championed over the years to be there – open, out and proud. And as the night went on, after the dinner, the toast and many smiles we all danced on a crowded dance floor with many men from all different parts of the world and from many different aspects of homosexuality. We all danced together as one discovery of acceptance as midnight turned into a new year; a new decade of progress. I was kissed by not only love but an atmosphere fulfilled with happiness.

It was this little Provincetown where I was embraced
for being every definition of me.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan

and there are times…

when I am the admired but for all that I’ve become I still fear at times those unfamiliar eyes that stare at me. There are people who either e-mail me or comment why write these diaries. They say there is nothing wrong with being neither black nor gay and I say true but prejudice and stereotypes and fear is still out there. And as proud as I am of who I am there are times where I have to hide the gay tag to not be instantly judged or ignored. I have to become a stranger to become un-strange to those who don’t know me.

I’m sure your saying, ‘Tarringo, no way’

And my stubbornness and pride at times does win out but I feel like a book with really great content but passed by or put back on the shelf because the cover isn’t appealing so I fight doubly for that chance to just be read between the lines. When I am in public I never believed in showcasing my homosexuality mostly because I know there are many not comfortable with it and I usually just don’t want the attention directed towards me.

Yet,

I write these diaries and expose my many emotions and thoughts with many. I guess it’s different behind the mask of ink and written expression. I take a lot of bullshit and closed minded ignorance by being openly gay on this medium but I feel it is a voice needed for the progression of acceptance. There are tons of men like me out there silent because they just don’t want to be exposed to the attitudes out there and many of those men and women are dispersed throughout the same presence of strangers I tuck away my own openness in.

Yes,

Times are getting better, people are becoming more accepting, but you continue to hear tragic stories of gay bashing and horrific murders; the reason why a lot don’t want to be open and stay silent. Although I can kick the ass of many who would dare step my way in that kind of situation, I still find myself hiding who I am when I am unknown. When in the presence of strangers, I, become a stranger to myself.