I was comfortable in a secured closet with no one knowing my secret. But I was quickly drowning in paranoia and stress of people around me finding out. Family, friends, co-workers and people I barely knew. I was afraid of the judgments, the resentments, the neglect…so frightened that I lost my sense of self and at one period even turned my back on me. People wondered and I turned away, people asked and I denied. I was covered by my own fear not ready to be stripped and left naked to those I felt wouldn’t approve. I never wanted to be pointed at and called a faggot or pointed at with insane assumptions. I didn’t want to be defined as a lesser man because of who my heart decided to love. I was not opening my closet door and exposing myself to the non-accepting world.

It happened on a sunny morning close to my twenty-forth birthday. It was a day I opened my eyes and realized I had to live for myself, challenging those around me to accept and understand who I was. To challenge them to see the value in me as an individual and show them that I was not a different man, just one who wouldn’t live a life of lies. Many found out as I no longer held back who I was and luckily for me there was acceptance. The closet door swung open and I walked out with feet of pride. I created my own exposure realizing that it was important for me to do so for others in my same situation. To see strength is to be encouraged and to be encouraged is to live life the way that makes you happy and whole. Yesterday I was unrevealed, hidden in a world of confusion and shame. Today, I’m a man content with who he is because now it is happiness that is exposed.

Tarringo T Vaughan
Photo courtesty of bubbaclicks.net

When we experience growth we sometimes become unrecognizable to ourselves.

            The music thumped as hesitant shadows scraped the dance floor with stiffened movements and wild attire.  Black lights spotlighted the lint of many minds loose and intoxicated.  I stood with a drink half filled with ice leaning against a crowded bar where frustrated patrons waved aimlessly for the attention of a bartender who thought he was the hottest attraction in the bar.  He had much competition because many were already dancing with their own reflections in a steamed filled distorted mirror.  And I remember having my own confidence as I saw an image of who I use to be just years before.  Back then I would’ve been standing there with a different purpose.  I would’ve had my arms folded and judged everyone around me not because I thought I was better but because I was catapulted into a new world; a world I hid for so long not to be a part of.

There were many aspects of the gay world I didn’t understand because I simply didn’t want to understand them.  I saw a lifestyle that was different than what I was exposed to and a lifestyle that didn’t fit the aspirations stenciled into my ambition.  I was living as a photograph airbrushed and distorted to fit the vision of what those around me wanted me to be.  But looking back at those self portraits I was not smiling because something within me felt incomplete and with that incompleteness came a lot of insecurity.  And if I wasn’t secure with who I was how could I stand proudly behind a definition I had yet to explore?

It was during that time that I met many guys who misjudged me or didn’t have the patience for me to find that confidence I needed to stand with pride in the gay community.  So I shut myself off, kept quiet and judged those I saw around me.  I was a portrait of a man not willing to open up and accept his own sexuality.  And there was no acceptance until I allowed my heart to lead the way.  So as I stood there with the music thumping and blowing the dust of this memory of who I was, I begin to bob my head and appreciate my surroundings.  I stood there with a confidence and a new openness that made those same guys who shied away from me walk up and want to get to know me for it was my growth within myself that made me more than just a part of the gay community.  It made me one of the definitions of a community that just years ago I didn’t understand.

Life is the exploration of our hearts.