It’s that voice you feed in the many crowded spaces of silent that reminds you that you are not alone. And as I sat in my sunlit apartment on an early Saturday afternoon I wondered about myself. I wondered if there was any chance of connection for me as I was newly discovered in a new world that had yet to know my name.

I was too quiet and hesitant and the kind of person who waited around for things to happen to me. I found myself unhappy and lost all ambition to believe in the gay world. I felt alone in an empty crowd. Apart of it but yet very disconnected until I found a gay chat site on the internet. It was there in this cyber space that I found many like me; many just opening their eyes to new visions of discovery so I began to communicate. After about an hour or so I found myself in this continuous conversation with a guy who had much in common. He was just a screen name but the individuality in him quickly shined through and after a couple more hours that online conversation transferred to a phone conversation where two the common voices of strangers connected in familiarity.

A bond is a connection between two souls discovered.

I never expected this kind of interaction. And I never believed it possible from that sort of venue but there he was talking and sounding so real.

As that afternoon turned to early evening a phone conversation turned into a possible meeting. The hesitance resurfaced inside me and all the doubt bullied my thoughts for just a moment. But something told me to meet this man for dinner so I did and at that time was never treated with so much respect and gentleness than I was when our eyes met and a new connection began. It was beginning to feel like one of those lifetime movies where two people meet out of fate. He was a couple years older, taller, well built and very real.

We continued to talk over Chinese dumplings and a glass of wine. He was changing the way I viewed this new world; this gay world and for once in long time I felt a constant smile on my face. And a once lonely Saturday afternoon turned into a warm night of walking and having ice cream. We traded our experiences and continued to connect until the night had to finally end. It turned into a few months of dating and an eternity of an experience. I was in my mid twenties back then, lost, alone and pessimistic about this life until that moment of connection set me on a new path of possibility.

The people we meet help write the chapters of our definition.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan

Their two hands connected perfectly creating a picture of commitment and beauty.  Two black women walking proudly down the street not afraid of showcasing their love and I smiled again.  I smiled because for that moment no one stopped to stare at them in disgust; no one even gave a second look except for me.  But I was watching their openness, their happiness their pride.  I wiped away over twenty years of tears with the handkerchief of their bond.  But new tears watered in my eyes not because of them but because of those not so lucky to be able to live openly being themselves.  I cry no longer for me but for them.

These are not my tears.

These are his tears, your son, who is afraid to tell you because of fear of you not loving him.  He hides who he is, he is secretive, and he stops looking you in the eye and the only why is because of what his heart feels.  He sleeps in shame while suffocating his own air in self blame.  He wants to tell you, but will you accept him or turn his world cold avoiding his needs to have your love to hold.

These are not my tears.

These are her tears, the girl you work with, who is afraid of the judgments if she ever told you she kissed another girl.  Although it’s considered “cool”, that is not all, she is afraid how you may change opinion of her for wanting to marry another woman and make a family.  You may think she’s strange, but she is just waiting for open mindedness and change to share her world.  Will you accept her?

These are not my tears.

These are their tears, your friends, family members, spouse, who are suffocating in closed closets because they fear losing the love of those they feel close just to obtain the love they have in their hearts.  These tears do not flow by choice or preference.  They are the condensation of their hearts and spirit.

These are not my tears.

They were my tears as I was someone’s son, brother, friend, co-worker who was afraid.  And that was the loneliest fucking feeling in the world.  To feel like an outcast just for living life the way you were meant to.  These are no longer my tears as I recognize what others are going through.  These are the tears of the boy who committed suicide at the age of eleven because he was called a faggot on school playgrounds, and he was a happy child until he was pointed out as different.  So as I write this diary, I have all of them watering in my eyes because we are human beings dammit. We are human beings with hearts that can be easily shattered with the stones of your stares and the brick wall of you turning your back.

These are not my tears.

They are yours

Tarringo T Vaughan

I’m not going to sit here and expose my wishes to be straight because if I had those wishes I wouldn’t be happy with the man I am today. But I do wonder what if I was what society wanted me to me? I would have a wife and kids, maybe be homophobic towards someone like me. Maybe I would be against gay marriage and have the same attitudes towards homosexuality defined by the bible. Would I still have this heart? Would the same passion be behind my writing? Would I even smile or love the same? I guess we will never know that because being straight is not who I am. Being simply me is who I am.

Society still has me trippin because people who don’t know a damn about me are giving a damn about what I do behind closed doors or who my heart can’t help but love. “It’s wrong” they say, but they are who cheat, do drugs, lie, steal and commit other sins defined by that same book that to them justifies their right to disapprove of someone who is making a difference and just living the life every individual has the right to live. You know what? Straight does define me in the way that I give it to you straight and how I’m straight to the point and that I’m straight up happy with who I have grown into. But for those who want my direction to go straight, I say…

I’d rather go gayley forward!

Life always takes the time to remind us we don’t have forever.  That is why it is so important to love who we are inside because tomorrow won’t remember us if we don’t take the time to smile today.

            It was a still moment on a simple day.  I was a bit grumpy on that particular morning, barely saying a good morning to co-workers as I sat down at my desk to begin another eight hours of the same routine.  As I looked up at my computer monitor, the first thing I saw was an email from my friend Michael.  I clicked it open and what I remember most as I read were the cloudy skies outside the window as I turned to my left.  I remember that moment of hesitation as my mind took the time to catch up to my heart as I read the words:

“I have something to tell you”.

My heart started beating fast as my eyes scurried to find out the news.  He mentioned that an acquaintance had passed away.  I was a little relieved but it was shocking news because it was someone who I saw frequently in the gay scene and someone I didn’t even know was sick.  This person was one of those individuals I took for granted but at the same time someone I found amusing.  It have me sadness because I didn’t take the time to get to know him.  I guess I figured I had time.  I thought I had forever to get to know the true meaning behind his eyes and the true definition of his heart that usually stayed hidden behind a wide smile and multiple wise cracks. There were so many of those little things – from a nickname he called himself to the constant joking around he always did – that I grew to appreciate and miss.  After finding my mind stranded inside a few minutes that seemed like hours, I deleted the email and realized what’s here today can be gone tomorrow.

It is evident in all walks of life.  We spend so much time being angry at someone or so much time hating someone for who they are that we lose touch of the importance of every single person who enters our life.  We know this and we remind ourselves all the time but how often do we really take the time to breathe and just enjoy what is around us.  We often mark off our calendars or rush through our weeks to get to the weekend.  Before we know it something has happened to someone else that makes us stop and say “damn!”

As I talked to and got to know a few older men who lived during the 80’s who have lost friends and acquaintance because of AIDS, I realized there wasn’t the same amount of prevention or education back then as we have today.  I’ve been lucky so far not to have experienced as much loss as they have.  But the email I found in my email that morning made me think and made me realize that consequences are real.  There is no tomorrow if we don’t embrace our now.

Every day that we turn the ignition to our cars or take a walk there is a risk.  We don’t have much control over most things that happen around us.  This guy that I knew was probably looking forward to a next birthday or a holiday or simply the next day and never got to see it.  It really made me look at myself and how I treated others online and in real life.  Online we can get carried away because we don’t really know the people we interact with and the same goes for people we rarely know in our daily lives.  We don’t really know what a person is going through or has been through in their lives and we take for granted how our words can affect someone.

There is no guarantee of a tomorrow; there is no guarantee of a change to apologize or understand a person’s differences.  Because of that experience and experiencing daily the fight for the equality of respect, I strive to be that voice remembering those who didn’t get the chance to fulfill their lives.  Whether they were taken from this world due to illness or took their own lives do to bullying or the pressure from constant judgment, some of those people never got the chance to experience the feeling of acceptance.

There are times life teaches us to open our eyes and celebrate the vision of living.

but for that moment, I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere else. We didn’t have much in common except we were men, unattached and seeking companionship. He talked nonsense and I nodded my head as if I actually had interest. But we were there, sharing time because either one of us had anywhere else to be. We sat at the bar of a local restaurant studying the loud crowd around us as we wondered if the atmosphere was interpreting our body language as our linguistics was of two men just introduced as strangers barely even making eye contact. I thought I was over weird moments like that; I thought I was at a new place in life where I could turn awkward moments into an easy laugh. It wasn’t that he was not easy on the eyes; perhaps he was even interesting if I took the chance to pay attention but it became apparent to me that I wasn’t ready to meet anyone new. My heart was still in that nowhere zone hearts go when healing from the wicked ways of love.

“So, tell me more about yourself”, he said.

“Well…” I responded as he anticipated. The thoughts in my mind during that long pause were of disbelief that I was in this situation again. What do I tell a man who I already decided I was never going to see again? But then I thought how cruel I was being and I was being like other gay men I’ve encountered who pretend and go through the motions. Well I thought I was being nice so I told him the easy answers and that’s where we found a connection.

There was something in the way I hesitated to tell too much about me and something in the way my eyes looked every which way but at his interest that felt familiar to him. He was a taller man with mixed Irish-Italian features just moving to the area from Florida. He was seeking a new beginning and that is what attracted me to his profile on an online dating service. It was a risk for us both as we were both just out there with our hearts shattered just seeking that something that would make our belief in love beat again. So we decided to listen to each other because we were there, with nowhere else to be. Two strangers sharing a similar disappointment just seeking a common place in a moment called nowhere. That night I learned that I would feel again because I discovered how to communicate my pain and I wasn’t alone. And I didn’t belong there but I was meant to be there. Because it was there, on the other side of nowhere that I knew my heart had someplace to be.

When we heal, we teach.

© 2010

Tarringo T. Vaughan

and there are times…

when I am the admired but for all that I’ve become I still fear at times those unfamiliar eyes that stare at me. There are people who either e-mail me or comment why write these diaries. They say there is nothing wrong with being neither black nor gay and I say true but prejudice and stereotypes and fear is still out there. And as proud as I am of who I am there are times where I have to hide the gay tag to not be instantly judged or ignored. I have to become a stranger to become un-strange to those who don’t know me.

I’m sure your saying, ‘Tarringo, no way’

And my stubbornness and pride at times does win out but I feel like a book with really great content but passed by or put back on the shelf because the cover isn’t appealing so I fight doubly for that chance to just be read between the lines. When I am in public I never believed in showcasing my homosexuality mostly because I know there are many not comfortable with it and I usually just don’t want the attention directed towards me.

Yet,

I write these diaries and expose my many emotions and thoughts with many. I guess it’s different behind the mask of ink and written expression. I take a lot of bullshit and closed minded ignorance by being openly gay on this medium but I feel it is a voice needed for the progression of acceptance. There are tons of men like me out there silent because they just don’t want to be exposed to the attitudes out there and many of those men and women are dispersed throughout the same presence of strangers I tuck away my own openness in.

Yes,

Times are getting better, people are becoming more accepting, but you continue to hear tragic stories of gay bashing and horrific murders; the reason why a lot don’t want to be open and stay silent. Although I can kick the ass of many who would dare step my way in that kind of situation, I still find myself hiding who I am when I am unknown. When in the presence of strangers, I, become a stranger to myself.