I never liked the taste of lies,

So I should’ve known better than to trust a man who couldn’t look me in the eyes. I should’ve known better than to believe in him after my intuition told me that he wasn’t any good. We meet on a warm summer night about six years ago and hit it off right away even enough to share some beers and a couple shots of Hennessy over a few games of pool. I didn’t even like Hennessey but this guy had a smooth way of talking people into things. He had a convincing way about his actions but one thing I quickly noticed was his eyes would never meet mine. But I was new to the scene and vulnerable at that time because I was in search of friends in this new world and I wanted to take a sip of perhaps something more; I wanted to taste what intimacy was like on a deeper level. Despite the lack of eye contact we became quick close friends and even explored romance until the warning from others came. I was told not to trust that damn fool but once again he was convincing enough for me to take his words over people I barely knew. And what he convinced me of was that “fags” were envious and just a bunch of gossip queens. I had just enough experience during that time to buy into it.
Sometimes you have to take in a little of the false to get a whole lot of the truth.

Over time he became my roommate and the true colors started to show. I instantly knew I made a mistake but still wanted to believe in him. He lost his job so he said but claimed as a Car dealer he could find another job whenever he wanted. He was a quick talker and a master of bullshit if you tell me and he played the role with an Oscar winning performance. Enough that mutual friends begin believing that I was the one treating him like a pair of raggedy ole sneakers tossed over a telephone line. They started to believe I was making his world miserable. Seriously that’s how good he was. And all the while I had received bad rent checks and bills unpaid to go along with a whole bunch of stress I thought I was too young to die from but it was killing me. Living in my own apartment for that period of time with someone I bonded with over shots of cognac because a miserable time for me. And to think I never liked the taste of lies but I was taking sips of it daily until one day I came home and all of his stuff along with his deceit was gone and never heard from again. And then after all the stories and signs I should’ve seen stood clear in my mind. It definitely was a learning experience for me at a young age of independence. It was a defining period in my maturity level and a reason why a half sip of cognac goes down much smoother than a full shot of lies.

© 2010

Tarringo T. Vaughan

Diary Of A Gay Black Man

A Friday night and I was sitting alone staring off into the past wondering if I said the wrong thing or maybe it was something I didn’t say. The beginning years of my thirties led me to this new discovery of confidence. Maybe it was being in better shape or a deeper self-awareness but I believed in what I represented and that I had something great to offer to that someone out there. In my middle to late twenties I lacked that confidence and it chased a few good men away because they believed if you couldn’t love yourself how can you love someone else and I knew they were right. And the more and more I experienced the gay world, I realized how much of that self love was missing; not just inside my own soul but others out there.

Many of us are so often rejected by the world out there that we come to expect it in some cases want to do the rejecting to save ourselves the time. And as I sipped my beer watching the phone refuse to ring, I started wondering what I did to get blown off and suddenly I was back in that phrase of no confidence having a conversation with time asking questions that had no known answer.

I met him on a Saturday night in a dance club in Hartford, Connecticut. My friends were the outgoing ones as they were older, confident and experienced. I was use to them getting all the attention although they claimed I got plenty. But I didn’t see it because I was lost inside a self-image that refused to showcase my attractions.

As the music played I watched everyone around me sell themselves freely and I stood there in the corner trying not to be seen but he saw me and I looked back. His body language waved at me and my eyes shyly waved back. He was manly, handsome with a shine of intelligence to him and when he finally came over our smiles clicked and we were strangers who seemed to know each other forever. It was unexpected but that early-thirty confidence flourished out of me asking for his number and a time to hangout away from the noisy smoke of the dance floor and away from my friends cheering me on from every corner of the bar. I felt good about the situation because for the first time I took the imitative and I was the aggressor and a phone call later in that week confirmed a date on a Friday night.

He said he couldn’t wait to see me because I was everything he looked for in a man. And I smiled as I put on my polo shirt and sprayed a little bit too much cologne thinking about how I felt when he said those words just a few hours before; a call that ended with him saying he would call around 6:30 before he left. By 6:45 I figured he had lost directions and it gave me time to change into a different pair of jeans.

The fragrance of the night seemed just right but by 7:00 I called his phone and no answer. So I sat with a little bit of worry and a whole lot of wonder.

Things do happen I told myself but things don’t just happen when someone is two hours late and at 8:30 I figured I experienced being stood up for the first time. It was after my second beer that I stopped wondering what I did wrong and recognized that it was him. It was his fear, his insecurity and his loss but I still looked up at a slowly clicking clock asking time what could’ve happened. But the clock just kept ticking, fading into new hours of disappointment but a new moment of discovery called a learning experience.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan

 
I’ve have many discussions about this lately but I’ve defined homosexually or any sexually as the emotional attraction you have for someone. Because quite frankly, I can still physically have sex with a woman but there would be  no emotional attachment. Definitely not the same feeling as being with a man. And ladies please don’t take offense to that because I assure you it’s nothing you did wrong because I do believe the female body is one the greatest creations.

 
Curiosity is a human trait, something we all naturally have inside of us. Some of us have a stronger desire to act on it or even want to act on it. My view of the world has always been that life is short and there’s no other way to really find out about who you are than to explore and experience the unknown. And eventually I took that step at the age of twenty-five. The curiosity became so strong that I just had to know if I was a gay man or just a man who would screw anything with feet. Now my first time with a guy wasn’t good at all, but I knew that was just the guy I was with. He had no clue what he was doing so from that experience and knowing that I wanted more, I realized my sexuality.

 
But I still had denial. I felt I was too masculine to be gay from what I saw out there. I still was very reluctant to step in the gay bars downtown. Gay men simply freaked me the hell out because of what I was exposed to growing up and what I saw through the media. Gay meant AIDS, Gay meant dressing as a woman, Gay meant getting your ass kicked and Gay was not something I wanted to be. But finding others like me and discovering that there were tons of people who felt Gay was cool and supported it made me more comfortable exploring this curiosity.

 
Yet I did continue to live life on the down low. I wasn’t afraid of what people thought of me because I’m a very self depended person and if someone can’t accept my package then they are not worth having. I just believed that it wasn’t worth the stress of bringing attention to me. For example, as a black man why would I choose to go in a KKK neighborhood in the Deep South preaching “Black power”? There are just situations you stay away from. Where I live is definitely not as severe, but if I know walking down the street holding hands with another man Is going to bring attention and stares, it’s just not the attention I’m looking for. I know there are other gay men who would strongly disagree with that, but we are all have our different comforts in life and we should be respected for any way we want to approach them. All in all I’m happy with where my curiosity has brought me.   I’m established, building a muscular body, growing with my writing and have tons of readers who follow the emotions of my heart and mind. And I wouldn’t be who I am if I was still hidden deep in the closet.  Just remember, there’s nothing wrong with curiosity, it helps build who your meant to be.

“Written Before I Found Love Again”

I still remember…love.

I remember all the possible feelings of being cuddled in another’s arms; the soft caress of eyes interlocked for moments of eternity. I remember the aroma that lingers when love fills the air like the breath of a warm rain ready to shower the earth with radiance. There was once a time I thought love was a myth. I was a young teenager waltzing in a maze of my own imagination just feeling like I would never find that feeling of magic. I learned love was like a dream but no one ever taught me the many personalities of love. As I’ve grown and continue to grow I’ve learned that love is not just that magical feeling two lovers orchestrate on mountains of passion, love is also inhaling the tears and moments of sickness. Love is standing by someone when they are at their weakness and love is about letting go. Some say love creates those moments of healing and self-renewal and I say love is the lead vocal in this song called life.

 
One night I stood in a crowded club watching like I tend to do. I saw two younger men who found each other in that same club. They were introduced by circumstance and took a chance by allowing their hearts to dance. I thought to myself how happy they looked and I was happy for them. Every time their smile gazed into each other’s eyes, there was electricity that filled the air. They were creating a music that symphonized throughout the night. I remembered that moment as my own, right there, in that very club and it made me once again yearn for the warmth of just having another soul think about you that way. I missed the comfort of another’s heartbeat vibrating throughout my own body and that night as I watched these two lovers I wondered about their journey and if they would be able to survive the obstacles and if they would still look at each other with that mesmerism once flaws were exposed. Some say love is limitless when it is unconditional. I watched love grow that night.

On the same night I continued to voyeur this new connection. I watched them hold each other and interact with friends. They were like magnets always finding their way back to one another. This was something refreshing in the gay community; it was a magnetism I once had but had given up on because a lot of men just want that one night stand or that one time claim to your heart. As the night went on I took my eyes off the couple and focused on my own enjoyment which just led me to get drunk off of memories of what I had and I leaned against the bar just wondering why so quickly did love yank its claws out of me without warning. Some say love strikes you when you least expect so I guess it can go both ways. Some say love can only exist between a man and a woman but everyday someone is proving that wrong. Somewhere two women are laying on a couch dozing off in to each other’s minds and somewhere two men are sitting on a porch watching the stars align in the shape of their hearts. Somewhere the love I once had is thinking about me as I think about him and before me that night two young lovers were exercising their love into a new strength. Some say this love is a sin but how can it be wrong when it is so beautiful when it just feels right.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan

And I went through five years of college developing friendships and emotional bonds that began to confuse me. I started to wonder why I had the type of closeness to male figures that seemed a little too close. I developed jealousies that I couldn’t control because I was experiencing crushes on these other male figures that held me in a shame and ultimately shaped me into pretending to be someone I thought I was. And what really triggered this inner conflict I started to have was the way I had to force those same feelings to the opposite gender. There were girls I had much in common with until it came to any hint of physical contact which resulted in an instant injection of discomfort. The confusion turned into a curiosity which started to turn into real feelings and I couldn’t fight any longer. It was time to pay attention to what my heart was telling me.

One weekend afternoon I decided to go home for the day. I took a bus to Northampton and waited for a connecting bus that would take me to the next town before getting back home. I always felt awkward there and with this strong feelings swirling around within me, I felt like I was in a place that was going to expose me to the world. There were more people parading around town than usual. Rainbow flags hung in the front of storefronts and people lined the street. I wasn’t quite sure as to what was going on but I remember telling myself not to make eye contact. There was an extra laugher in the air as smiles shined and a sense of love seemed to orbit around everyone within the organized crowds. And then as I sat at the bus stop I started to hear the music and the crowd cheer. Hands were waving and more rainbow flags were gently massaging the air. People were hanging out of high rise apartment windows and a symphony of voices collided with echoes of “happy pride”. Back then I didn’t know what it was all about but I knew it was a filled with homosexuality and I watched without trying to be interested. But I was and they didn’t all seem so strange anymore as it became obvious to me that I took a wrong turn into something right. It was all about pride and at that moment I knew I could no longer hide.
© 2010

Tarringo T. Vaughan

but for that moment, I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere else. We didn’t have much in common except we were men, unattached and seeking companionship. He talked nonsense and I nodded my head as if I actually had interest. But we were there, sharing time because either one of us had anywhere else to be. We sat at the bar of a local restaurant studying the loud crowd around us as we wondered if the atmosphere was interpreting our body language as our linguistics was of two men just introduced as strangers barely even making eye contact. I thought I was over weird moments like that; I thought I was at a new place in life where I could turn awkward moments into an easy laugh. It wasn’t that he was not easy on the eyes; perhaps he was even interesting if I took the chance to pay attention but it became apparent to me that I wasn’t ready to meet anyone new. My heart was still in that nowhere zone hearts go when healing from the wicked ways of love.

“So, tell me more about yourself”, he said.

“Well…” I responded as he anticipated. The thoughts in my mind during that long pause were of disbelief that I was in this situation again. What do I tell a man who I already decided I was never going to see again? But then I thought how cruel I was being and I was being like other gay men I’ve encountered who pretend and go through the motions. Well I thought I was being nice so I told him the easy answers and that’s where we found a connection.

There was something in the way I hesitated to tell too much about me and something in the way my eyes looked every which way but at his interest that felt familiar to him. He was a taller man with mixed Irish-Italian features just moving to the area from Florida. He was seeking a new beginning and that is what attracted me to his profile on an online dating service. It was a risk for us both as we were both just out there with our hearts shattered just seeking that something that would make our belief in love beat again. So we decided to listen to each other because we were there, with nowhere else to be. Two strangers sharing a similar disappointment just seeking a common place in a moment called nowhere. That night I learned that I would feel again because I discovered how to communicate my pain and I wasn’t alone. And I didn’t belong there but I was meant to be there. Because it was there, on the other side of nowhere that I knew my heart had someplace to be.

When we heal, we teach.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan

and there are times…

when I am the admired but for all that I’ve become I still fear at times those unfamiliar eyes that stare at me. There are people who either e-mail me or comment why write these diaries. They say there is nothing wrong with being neither black nor gay and I say true but prejudice and stereotypes and fear is still out there. And as proud as I am of who I am there are times where I have to hide the gay tag to not be instantly judged or ignored. I have to become a stranger to become un-strange to those who don’t know me.

I’m sure your saying, ‘Tarringo, no way’

And my stubbornness and pride at times does win out but I feel like a book with really great content but passed by or put back on the shelf because the cover isn’t appealing so I fight doubly for that chance to just be read between the lines. When I am in public I never believed in showcasing my homosexuality mostly because I know there are many not comfortable with it and I usually just don’t want the attention directed towards me.

Yet,

I write these diaries and expose my many emotions and thoughts with many. I guess it’s different behind the mask of ink and written expression. I take a lot of bullshit and closed minded ignorance by being openly gay on this medium but I feel it is a voice needed for the progression of acceptance. There are tons of men like me out there silent because they just don’t want to be exposed to the attitudes out there and many of those men and women are dispersed throughout the same presence of strangers I tuck away my own openness in.

Yes,

Times are getting better, people are becoming more accepting, but you continue to hear tragic stories of gay bashing and horrific murders; the reason why a lot don’t want to be open and stay silent. Although I can kick the ass of many who would dare step my way in that kind of situation, I still find myself hiding who I am when I am unknown. When in the presence of strangers, I, become a stranger to myself.

I was comfortable in a secured closet with no one knowing my secret. But I was quickly drowning in paranoia and stress of people around me finding out. Family, friends, co-workers and people I barely knew. I was afraid of the judgments, the resentments, the neglect…so frightened that I lost my sense of self and at one period even turned my back on me. People wondered and I turned away, people asked and I denied. I was covered by my own fear not ready to be stripped and left naked to those I felt wouldn’t approve. I never wanted to be pointed at and called a faggot or pointed at with insane assumptions. I didn’t want to be defined as a lesser man because of who my heart decided to love. I was not opening my closet door and exposing myself to the non-accepting world.

It happened on a sunny morning close to my twenty-forth birthday. It was a day I opened my eyes and realized I had to live for myself, challenging those around me to accept and understand who I was. To challenge them to see the value in me as an individual and show them that I was not a different man, just one who wouldn’t live a life of lies. Many found out as I no longer held back who I was and luckily for me there was acceptance. The closet door swung open and I walked out with feet of pride. I created my own exposure realizing that it was important for me to do so for others in my same situation. To see strength is to be encouraged and to be encouraged is to live life the way that makes you happy and whole. Yesterday I was unrevealed, hidden in a world of confusion and shame. Today, I’m a man content with who he is because now it is happiness that is exposed.

Tarringo T Vaughan
Photo courtesty of bubbaclicks.net

I felt trapped inside the walls of societal expectations, inside my family’s vision and inside my own hope to be normal. I didn’t want to be the one slurred at and pointed at as different. I didn’t want to be called a sissy or queer for being me but as reality set in; my inner feelings had to learn to accept this life. And as I watch them almost every weekend in a local bar I understand them because I see through them what I life could’ve been if I remained hidden. Like them I could’ve been married with kids on the outside but on the inside living on the down low, lying to manufactured life hurting those who think they know me all the while betraying the honesty of myself. I sometimes wonder where their wives think they are when they are out exploring their temptation and when they are out having drinks with their only companion known as the truth. As I notice them, they seem to be enjoying this only time where they can be themselves. I pay attention because I could’ve been them if I didn’t embrace myself just in time.

One is an older gentleman who hides his eyes just enough to reveal his stare. He stands in corners, gives false names and knows how to play the game. Sometimes he is just a whisper but other times his voice is heard when he finds his comfort; married with four kids, a city worker, taking a chance just by being there. Taking a chance by exposing himself in a world he knows he belongs by risking the years he built to be who he felt he had to be to become his identity. Every time I see him I think about the life his wife thinks she has lived and how her own health is a risk every time he allows a stranger in his car. But this is the road where closed mindedness and the fear of non-acceptance have led him. A destination where he can only be who he is on a weekend night, on a bar stool rubbing the thigh of a man he can only meet once.
And the other is slightly younger, more vocal and doesn’t mind exposing his life. He says he has a great sexual relationship with his wife but he desires that closeness with other men for those moments during his few hours out. He doesn’t openly hide because he’s a people’s person and enjoys the company of those he feels he connects with. But he also lives a lie that disconnects him from the great relationship he claims he has. And perhaps he does but that fear of revealing himself to her demonstrates knowledge within himself that he is not fully happy with the path he has chosen. He is an undercover man lover stuck in a world he believed in. He followed a road that told him the only definition of a man was being with a woman. A destination that has him running to his car at 11:59 pm to get home five minutes before his wife so she thinks he’s been home all night.

They are two of many living a separate life because of that fear of non-acceptance and they are two of many living this reality. These are not just tales, this is real life. These are husbands, boyfriends, priests, politicians, celebrities on the down low because they are afraid for people to know. And any one of them could’ve easily been me if I didn’t recognize the path my life was taking by hiding.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan
Diary Of A Gay Black Man: Hiding to be seen

Sometimes I look for balance.

I look for balance in a world that doesn’t want to hear my heart…completely. There are times where I feel like I’m falling with no support and no one to reach out their hands to catch me. I hear the hatred, I feel the stares, I smell the fear and although it’s not all intended for me as an individual, I still experience the pain. Each man and woman who lives this experience and celebration called Homosexuality share that renewal of feeling alone in a crowded room. Yes, I did call it a celebration because those of us who embrace who we are pave a path full of new views in the minds of those who don’t understand or not willing to sacrifice a piece of their hearts to accept. But, you know, sometimes I wonder if I didn’t embrace the wholeness of me; I wonder where I would be in this world if I stayed hidden behind layers of shame and hidden deep in a closet of emotional suffocation. Would I find that balance?

Overall, I’ve been lucky. I’ve had co-workers, friends and family accept who I am. Even those who chose not to acknowledge it show me a respect by not turning their backs and hearts on me. I’ve always told myself that it would be their loss if they did and it would be, but it would hurt inside and I can honestly tell you that I don’t know how I would be able to handle it. There is no amount of strength that can cure the disappointment of having the ties of natural love unknotted. There is no amount of pride that can withhold being looked at through familiar eyes with disgust. Yet, there are many out there who have to live with this emptiness and unfortunately many who have taken their own lives because of this same emptiness. Why can’t life give them that same balance to stand strong and tall on a tightrope constantly in the vibration of non-acceptance. Sometimes I wish this world was different but most of the time I know it needs to stay this way we can all grew stronger in some way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if the world was perfect we wouldn’t need a reason for healing and growing.

Sometimes I think, when the world is not breathing, why life plays tic-tac-toe with many of us. The X’s and O’s don’t always balance out because those X’s are the challenges thrown our way consecutively and those who are not strong enough lose instantly or feel like giving up. There was an eleven year old from my town who couldn’t take it anymore because he was teased for being gay and feminine and there was a college student from Rutgers University who couldn’t take it anymore because he couldn’t live with the embarrassment present and orchestrated by others. They were already born with an X and so was I. Sometimes I just wonder if we’d ever be equal participants in this game called life.

© 2010
Tarringo T. Vaughan